Growing Darker
by LithiumKiss
Summary: "It's always been you, Ide-san." Ide couldn't help but think he had always been much too romantic for his own good. Ide/Matsuda one shot.


**A/N: Why, hello there, Death Note fandom. It's been a while, and how I have missed thee. The last time I wrote a DN fanfic was over a year ago. O.O**

**It feels good to have written something for my one and only OTP - Ide/Matsuda. This oneshot has been divided into micro-chapters and it's sort of like a time line but not quite - I thought chapter titles would be much better than those big ol ugly line breaks. **

**Anyway, I hope all you IdeMatsu fans enjoy this~ I aplogise for any characters being OOC and any grammatical or spelling errors that I know have to be lurking in there somewhere. I do try though TT_TT  
**

**...**

**I don't own Death Note**

**...**

* * *

_The days are growing darker._

_Spring's only just arrived but it doesn't feel like it._

_It's still cold, it's still bitter, as if Winter doesn't intend to leave this year._

_The only warmth comes from him._

_It's an uncomfortable, overzealous and annoying warmth._

_But it's warmth nonetheless.

* * *

_

**I. Coffee**  
Matsuda carries their coffees in, looking from one Styrofoam cup to the other as if trying to remember whose is whose. Ide wonders whether Matsuda realises that they take their cheap and nasty machine coffee exactly the same way: black with one and a half teaspoons of sugar. They've been working together for eight months now. He should have realised by now, Ide thinks, and is honestly confused as to why he's bothered by this triviality.

**II. Hardworking  
**Just like yesterday and the day before that, the sky is grey. The clouds seem full and tense, as if ready, almost anticipating, to split and shower the city with needles of ice-cold rain. Ide doesn't know why they wait. The wind's picked up and he goes to the window to close the blinds, as if losing sight and sound of the tree branches banging against the glass in time to the howling airstream will make him less aware of it, less troubled by it. It's getting late but he won't leave the office because he doesn't have much to go home to and he'd rather get some more work done instead of going home to reread that novel that's been sitting beside the couch-turned-bed for the umpteenth time.

It's eight p.m. by the time Ide decides he should really get going. He thinks everyone's gone home until he hears a door open down the hall from the department. He's never been suspicious or easily scared, but he's a little overtired and his thinking becomes irrational. As he carefully makes his way to the door and opens it to peer out into the corridor, he can't see any evidence of another presence. Perhaps it was his imagination or—

"Ide-san!"

He jumps at least ten feet into the air and swears he almost passed out from heart failure. He turns to see a sheepishly grinning Matsuda. He's doing that thing where he tousles his hair at the back of his head, that thing he does where he knows he's just done something really stupid. Possibly, at least – Matsuda always thinks his ideas are good at the time.

"What are you still doing here, Matsuda?" Ide manages to ask, not trying to conceal the irritation in his voice.

"Well, I guess I just wanted to keep you company. You're always working so late and by yourself, Ide-san. Don't you have a wife or a girlfriend to go home to?"

It's a sore subject for Ide, and the idiot in front of him must've realised this because he puts his hands up and quickly says something about how important it is to have such hardworking people as part of the police. _Somebody has to be hardworking_, Ide thinks dryly to himself.

"Have you had anything to eat yet?" There's a hopefulness there that makes Ide feel quite uncomfortable. In fact, to his detriment, he can feel a warmth spread from one cheek, across the bridge of his nose and onto the other.

"I'm not hungry. I was just about to leave, actually." It's a lame excuse, Ide knows it, but he doesn't like the way Matsuda's young brown eyes look at him with that shine. It makes him feel old. "But thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."

**III. Your Umbrella **  
Something bad is going to happen, Ide can sense it. It's the third day straight of rain, but it feels like it's been raining for months. Perhaps it has and he's just got so used to it.

It's late when he leaves again, and since that night one month ago, Matsuda's been staying late, too. Sometimes it's a good thing, but mostly it's counterproductive and tedious. He should be going out and enjoying his youth, flaunting his good looks and his bright happy personality. Ide catches himself immediately and clears his throat, as though he's been admitting these thoughts aloud.

"I noticed you didn't bring an umbrella," Matsuda says as he brings him his coffee and a dark green umbrella.

"It's fine. I'm parked close to the building." He wishes Matsuda wouldn't do these things for him.

"I have a spare," the younger man insists before placing it in front of Ide and leaving before he can be rejected. Ide smiles to himself. It's barely there, but it feels good.

As he leaves, he looks out of the window to see a drenched Matsuda making his way to his car. It appears to Ide that he is spare umbrella-less.

**IV. Missing**  
Matsuda calls in sick today and Ide can't help but feel the day isn't going to be as bright. No, normal is a better word. Matsuda being annoying and in his face and just generally being himself is something Ide has got used to and although he would never admit this out loud to anybody, not even to himself, he likes having Matsuda around.

**V. Anxiety**  
Ide's heart drops when he hears that Matsuda will be on the task force in the Kira Investigation. Ide doesn't mention that he's scared of dying, or that he's scared of something that has no remedy or explanation because if Kira ever happens to turn on him, he wants to know whether he'll have a chance of surviving. He knows people have survived heart attacks before, but Kira's victims don't.

And Ide doesn't want to think about what would happen if Matsuda got in Kira's way.

**VI. Recruitment  
**"Ide-san!"

It's been a long time since Ide's seen Matsuda. He's just as loud and annoying as usual, but his hair is shorter. He looks tired, like he's seen too much, but that said, he looks like he's just stepped out of boyhood and is actually a man now. Ide can't help the reluctant little smile. "Matsuda."

"Is it true that you're going to be helping out with the investigation now? Light-kun is always saying we need more hands since L died."

Ide knows Light is Chief Yagami's son, but that's the extent of it. He doesn't know him personally, only that he's supposed to be a genius, and he finds he doesn't like the way Matsuda says his name. "Yes, I will be a part of the team from now on."

"That's great, Ide-san! I've really missed seeing you around."

Ide knows Matsuda didn't directly say that he missed _him_, but it's enough to make his heart skip a beat. He feels ridiculous, like an infatuated school girl, but he does manage to stop himself from blushing. He told everyone he only came back to work because of Aizawa, which is partly true. They'd been good friends, Aizawa was somebody Ide could trust, but the real reason for his involvement with the Kira Investigation went by the name of Matsuda.

He knows he's too old to be chasing after something that has no actual evidence of being there at all, but it's because he's too old. He knows he's not attractive; Ide's as dull as they come, age beginning to show around the edges, and is at the bottom end of ordinary in the way of looks. But Matsuda doesn't seem to mind. Matsuda even said so himself that he missed seeing him around, and if there's the chance that he'll die trying to capture Kira, he wants to die knowing he made the most of the time he had left. He wants to die glad that he got to know Matsuda Touta.

**VII. Monsters**  
They call themselves Shinigami, Death Gods, but Ide thinks that they're nothing more than monsters. He talks to the one that looks like a freakish clown, Ryuk is his name, and discovers that they're all too afraid to die. They would much rather waste their time in the Shinigami Realm by writing in their Death Notes to keep themselves alive. It's sick, really. Ide asks whether Ryuk could tell him who Kira is so that they can be done with it, to which the Shinigami replies "Where would the fun be in that?" and cackles evilly before flying away.

Nothing more than monsters.

**VIII. Eyes**  
He's angry. He's furious. He can't bear to look at Matsuda, so he doesn't. He keeps on walking away, determined to reach the elevator so he can just go and not have to talk to anybody. But unfortunately Matsuda catches up to him and he's forced to take the elevator with him.

"What's wrong, Ide-san?"

Ide wants to yell but all he can do is mutter. "Do you like causing a fuss or are you really that stupid, Matsuda?"

"I was being serious! It's something I know I can do and I want to show them that I'm not useless. Everyone says I'm not capable and that I'm just a hindrance to the case. Do you think I'm the same, Ide-san?"

Ide is tired and sore with regret and wishes he could take back what he'd just said, but he remains silent. He's still angry.

**IX. Realistic **  
Light's dramatic outburst may have been enough to fool a kind, naive soul like Matsuda, but it isn't enough to fool Ide. Aizawa believes Light is Kira, and so does Ide. It isn't unnatural to mourn so for a much loved and respected parent, but it still seems superficial. Matsuda's almost-quiet sobs are so much more real, Ide thinks.

**X. Noose**  
On the night before the Task Force meets with the SPK at Yellow Box, anxiety finally catches up with Ide and he needs to leave that building. He needs to go to his own lonely apartment where there are no traces of the investigation, of Kira, or anything that has to do with the past ten years of his career. He needs to be just Ide Hideki, sans his professional title.

Light is understanding (or rather, he pretends to be, at least) and allows him the short break. It's nine p.m. and he has twelve hours until he needs to report back. On his way home, he passes the industrial buildings, the makeshift bridges, the cranes. From a distance, the hooks on those cranes look like nooses. Hanging, waiting, biding their time.

Much like he is.

He catches a taxi and gives out an address. It's not his, but he thinks he knows whose home it does belong. He listens to the tyres as they spin against the wet road surface and the rain tapping against the glass. Even though it's dark, Ide knows that the sky above them is a listless grey.

**XI. Home**  
Ide doesn't expect Matsuda to be home – he can't remember whether he ever saw him leave that day. Ide also doesn't expect his younger colleague to answer his door in a shirt and sleeping shorts.

"I was sort of hoping you were the delivery guy, Ide-san," Matsuda jokes and Ide can see he finds it just about as funny as he does.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you then, Matsuda."Why does he feel so ridiculous? He should really just leave...

"Not at all. Why don't you come inside?"

Ide finds he can't refuse and he follows Matsuda inside, finding comfort in the scent of coffee, the remains of cologne that had been put on a little too liberally that morning or perhaps the morning before. It looks like a bachelor's apartment, messy but comfortable with the pillows not quite matching the fabric on the couches, meaningless paintings hanging askew on the walls.

"I thought you may have wanted to see your family."

"They live too far from Kanto," Matsuda says with a shrug. "What about you, Ide-san? What about your family?"

He's not romantic, not at all (so he's been told on numerous occasions, especially by the person he's standing in front of now) so the words that leave his mouth in response both confuse and shock him.

"My family is here."

He isn't sure where they came from, and he's positive that he wasn't thinking about anything along those lines beforehand.

But of course in classic Matsuda fashion, the younger man misinterprets their meaning and inquires as to why Ide isn't visiting them instead. He shakes his head slowly, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. But there's no time for that. He wants Matsuda to know.

"I meant you, Matsuda."

It takes a few more moments for it to register in his mind, but when he finally gets it, there's no awkward chuckle, no bumbling unnecessary words tumbling from his mouth like Ide had expected. When Matsuda finally understands, he goes to Ide and wraps his arms around his waist, forehead resting against his chest. Ide can feel how warm he is and he is unsure of what he's supposed to do so he awkwardly places his hands on Matsuda's shoulders. His heart is beating so forcefully inside his chest that he thinks the organ might just shatter its way through his ribcage.

"I always thought you were an ice cube, Ide-san. I always tried to get you to talk about yourself and I always laughed at you for having no romantic experience, but I see that I was wrong now. I guess ice cubes do melt."

He's always been reserved. He always kept his sentiments to himself and he had little desire to share his mood with anybody, and that's how he'd always preferred it. Matsuda had menaced and mocked him, but he had always stuck by one rule for most of his adult life: Keep your personal and professional lives separate. Since Ide's life mainly revolved around his job, he found it unnecessary to blurt out exactly what he was thinking and feeling, unlike Matsuda. That and he really didn't have all that much to share in the first place.

Matsuda looks up and Ide feels as though he's beckoning him, and Ide can't help but become completely lost inside those dark, molten chocolate eyes. And suddenly he feels Matsuda's lips on his and he's responding to the movements of his mouth before he can even begin to think. He threads his fingers into his dark hair as Matsuda runs his tongue skilfully against Ide's, firm and sure and coaxing Ide to give him more. He wants to stop for breath, he wants to know that they're both sure, but there's no time. So he allows Matsuda to lead him to his bedroom where they fall onto the bed and somehow manage to undress one another, despite their shaking hands and the need and anxiousness pulsing like bullets in their bloodstreams.

"I'm scared," Matsuda gasps when Ide starts to move inside of him. "I'm sc—"

Ide presses his lips to Matsuda's forcefully – he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear it because he's feeling exactly the same but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. It's a complex anxiety, a web of worry woven into something so intangible that Ide can't pinpoint the exact reason why. There's so much to fear, almost much too much.

"Nothing will happen," Ide exhales in a rush when he comes back up for air. He loses his rhythm a bit, his thrusts not as fluid as before, but Matsuda doesn't seem to mind because he's hugging Ide close and he can feel the heat from his inner thigh as it presses against his hip. When they reach their peak, when Ide hears the honeyed notes of his name pass Matsuda's lips as he moans into his ear, nothing around him really exists for a few long blissful moments. There's no Kira, no SPK, no oppressive city surrounding them. They don't exist, they disappear entirely, and Ide doesn't want them to come back.

"How long do we have?" Matsuda asks, his voice a slightly breathless murmur.

Ide wants to ask, what does it matter? Why can't their time be limitless? If he counts, he knows that there will have to be an end somewhere. This is more important than Kira, than Near, than justice. In that moment, Ide thinks that Kira can just keep on killing criminals, just as long as he lets them be.

But Ide can feel Matsuda's expectant eyes on him, so he finally answers. "Ten hours, perhaps a little more."

"Or perhaps a little less. I don't really want to sleep, Ide-san."

"It would be best if you did."

"If I wake up and find that this has just been a dream, I don't think I'll be able to forgive you, Ide-san." It's supposed to be a joke but he can't manage even a small smile, let alone a laugh. But that's alright because Matsuda doesn't laugh, either.

**XII. An End  
**The young investigator's life shatters around him and there's a part of Ide that wishes he'd been holding the gun, that'd he'd shot Light (Kira), for as stoic and unimpulsive as he is, he wanted to be the man who saved Matsuda's day for a change. He looks back with deep regret, knowing that it had always been Matsuda who made the grey days seem a little brighter, the rain not as cold or as cruel.

Something inside their world shifts that day, and something dies inside of Matsuda's endless eyes.

**XIII. Always**  
They're both older now, and although the crime rate has climbed once more, even escalated, it feels right and just. It's the Age of Criminals and things are more like what they're supposed to be.

Yesterday, Matsuda admitted that he still wished Light had been innocent. It hadn't ever occurred to Ide that perhaps, at one stage or even there in the present, Matsuda had feelings towards Chief Yagami's son. They hadn't exchanged angry words – Ide had asked if Matsuda had liked Light. He had been greeted with a solemn silence and neither of one them talked to the other for the remainder of the day.

Later that night, Matsuda had climbed into bed beside him and pressed himself against Ide's back, his warmth comforting and reassuring.

"It's always been you, Ide-san."

Ide couldn't help but think he had always been much too romantic for his own good.

So today, they call in sick. They lie in bed until Ide needs to get up and do something to feel like he hasn't wasted the day. He cleans the apartment a little, tells Matsuda to please put some pants on or something before he leaves the bedroom, and then sorts through his novels. He rearranges them into alphabetical order according to the author's last name, and is looking forward to having some time to actually reread them.

Matsuda turns on the television and Ide gets increasingly frustrated by his constant channel surfing. They finally agree to watch an old Western, which has a terrible story line but the acting's good, however they don't get to find out what happens to the sheriff at the end because Matsuda gets bored and starts nuzzling up to Ide and then his touches become much too irresistibly persistent and Ide has to kiss him.

He wants to say those three little but extremely loaded words when Matsuda falls away from him, his heavy breathing pulsing to the rhythm of the falling rain, but he knows he's not ready. He feels those words with every fibre of his being, he can taste them dancing on the tip of his tongue, but he has to bite it because although Matsuda is kind with a unique, mature innocence, he doesn't want to give him the means to hurt him, to tear him apart. He mentally berates himself because Matsuda has been manipulated and used so many times before by Light (Kira), by the other members of the Task Force, including himself. He wonders whether things are really supposed to be this way, whether he's really ready (he's had so long to think about it but it only just surfaces now? Now, after everything's so close to being perfect it's terrifying?) but when the young man beside him sits up and looks over at him, the fading sunlight illuminating his outline, he sees a silver lining. He suddenly sees everything, and he knows that one day, perhaps not tomorrow or even the day after, but one day, he'll be able to tell him everything.

* * *

_The days are growing darker._

_Spring's only just arrived but it doesn't feel like it._

_It's still cold, it's still bitter, as if Winter doesn't intend to leave this year._

_The only warmth comes from him._

_It's an uncomfortable, overzealous and annoying warmth._

_But it's warmth nonetheless._

_

* * *

_

_**Until next time...**  
_


End file.
